July 28, 2007

July 27, 2007

July 26, 2007

July 25, 2007

July 24, 2007 Minimizing Debilitating Thoughts

Never once have I heard someone say they love having their energy zapped out of them or feel crazy for no apparent reason.  For this reason, we must recognize what triggers our debilitating emotions.  First, we must monitor our emotions reactions.  We recognize it is happening by strong emotions and odd behaviors.  Second, note the activating event.  The triggering emotion can be one event, or a buildup of many.  Also, it could be specific people or a type of individual such as the age, role, background, setting, or topic of convo.  Lastly, record your self talk.  Analyze the relationship between the activating event and emotion.

This process isn’t easy.  Recognizing our faults and evaluating them to create change takes work.  Amy, a lady who came to help with a week of camp, and I have different personalities.  After a few minutes of her talking, I would be really annoyed and be frustrated.  When we first met, I thought her behaviors were odd, but manageable. Yet, time after time seeing the same thing over again, she started to rub me the wrong way.  A couple of days went by and I could feel the energy drain out of my body when I was around her.  I couldn’t let this take hold of me, so I had to take action.  I admitted to the irrational thinking and conclusion, recognized what was triggering the emotions, and then re-evaluated my thought process when dealing with Amy.  Granted, I was still slightly frustrated by the end of the week, yet knowing that I had taken responsibility for the debilitating emotions helps me know there is still hope out there.

July 23, 2007 Irrational Thinking and Debilitative Emotions

How often do communicate with others with predetermined thoughts and ideas either about them, you, or the situation? Happens all the time! Now, this can be good if these thoughts and ideas are positive or truthful, but how often do our minds turn to the negative and we start over analyzing to the point where we are frustrated, stressed out, and want to quit life? The definition of debilitation is the depletion or sapping of strength or energy. When we have debilitating emotions, we are sucking the mental strength and energy right out of our brains. We begin to have irrational thoughts that lead to a sense of failure or emptiness.

I once heard that mid July is the roughest part of working here at RCC. Things tend to break down as in people get really annoyed by others, start mentally checking out, and plainly don’t want to be here anymore. After a blow up, we then precede to work on bringing everyone back together in time to leave for school. I truly believe part of the reason why is because people accept irrational thoughts that lead to illogical conclusions, which then are turned into personal debilitating emotions and makes us crazy. The worst part is that we don’t even realize what is going on. We believe everyone around us doesn’t like us or that they are the laziest person here when it isn’t true. It is us that has let our irrational thoughts kick us in the gut.

There are seven specific fallacies, or irrational thoughts, that are the most prominent which are perfection, approval, shoulds, over generalization in shortcomings, causation, helplessness, and catastrophic expectations. We have all struggled with each one over the course of the summer- I’ve heard the stories and seen the faces.

The fallacy of perfection is the belief that an effective communicator, or good summer staffer, can handle every situation with confidence and skill. Why do people think they have to be perfect? Why can’t we admit that we don’t know something or need help to accomplish a goal? We put on this face of being the perfect person who has it all together so that others around us wont see our weaknesses. The second week of summer I was paired with a male staff and it was our job to make a door for the jungle huts. He said he knew how with all confidence, but as the hours passed and my suggestions were blown off, I could tell we weren’t getting anywhere quickly. We did manage to hang the door, but it wasn’t without much frustration.

The fallacy of perfection is also prominent in the church. We set the standard that we must be like Jesus who was indeed perfect. Yes, Jesus was man, but he also never sinned. I’m not perfect and never will be. When we set unattainable standards such as perfection for our lives, we not only drive ourselves crazy but also gain a sense of low self worth. We also put on a face that attempts to deceive others. The Pastor here in Converse preached a sermon titled “I’m not Okay, You’re not Okay, and that is Okay.” A room full of people wearing deceitful smiling faces during church while things at home may be miserable. That was the Sunday where the night before I ended things with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I was not okay. I cried at anything. The point of it all was to help people realize that we aren’t perfect and to be okay with having faults or weaknesses. It’s liberating to live a life free of standards and expectations we can never personally attain.

The second fallacy is approval where the approval of everyone is vital to our being. Oh, the people pleaser’s. Some people honestly like to help and serve others, but when it comes to the point where we sacrifice our own principles and happiness for the approval of another person, we begin to have debilitating emotions. When we are squirming in our own skin to please another, we aren’t gaining their respect or true affection. Rather, the other person is able to use us to their disposal. Striving for respect of someone we value is good, but there is no need for putting ourselves on the line. At camp, we do want the approval of others, but I don’t believe it is as extreme as it could be at other places of employment or with a different group of people. We try to honor others and accept all, so hopefully noone is sacrificing their principles and happiness while here.

Third, fallacy of shoulds is the inability to tell the difference between reality and what should be. We all struggle with this. Second year summer staff may a little more, but we all have our own preconceived ideas of how the world, or camp, should work. These statements are the “well, last year we did it this way….” or “she should not have done that…” and really doesn’t accomplish anything. “Shoulding” on the world leads to unhappy people. It creates defensive people who are tired of being nagged or hearing about how great it was last time and how awful it is now, an unsatisfied feeling of who we are and what we have done, and the complaining attitude can keep us from doing good and changing the circumstances. We can all try to live in a fantasy world, but really, we have today and we can’t base it on the past and if we want the future to look any different, we have to take it upon ourselves to change the circumstances… instead of just “shoulding” on the world.

Fourth, fallacy of over generalization in shortcomings is where we base a belief on too little or false information to come up with a conclusion. Exaggerating words such as always, never, and other absolute words make people defensive and raise their eyebrows. I once overheard a current summer staffer in her third year speaking to another girl who worked her two years ago. “This year’s crew is always so slow with cleaning! We never finish turn around until really late!” Being slightly irked by this comment, I thought about why she might say this. There was the week where four guys were assigned roofing instead of cleaning, one week they were pouring sidewalks, and the list kept going. We as summer staffers aren’t always slow! Once again, the fallacy of overgeneralization in shortcomings sucked the energy right out of someone.

Fifth, fallacy of causation is the belief that our own emotions are caused by others rather than our own self-talk or we cause someone else’s emotions. Because we don’t want to hurt others, we become overly cautious of our actions. We do things out of obligation or duty with or for another person rather than actual desire. We stay quiet so we don’t stir something up even though we know what they are doing may not be ethical. We pretend to be interested in conversations when our minds are wandering and thinking about the list of things we could be accomplishing. When asked a question, we give the answer the person wants rather than disappointing them by giving our true opinion. You know what? We aren’t the cause of their feelings! They respond to our behavior with feelings of their own. Why should we suck out our own energy by putting on a show for others so we don’t cause hurt feelings? In the same manner, it is our own reaction, not their action, that determines how we feel. We can’t blame others for how we feel and we can’t blame ourselves for how others feel.

Sixth, fallacy of helplessness is that satisfaction in life is determined by forces beyond our control. We see ourselves as victims that can’t do anything to change the situation. Granted, we most likely aren’t going to change the world for everyone, but we can change our own individual world. We too often say “I can’t” when really we should be saying “I wont” of “I don’t know how.” The “I can’t” phrase becomes a rationalization to justify not wanting to change. Once again, we blame something else to feel no responsibility or control. If something crappy happens, it’s not our fault. It’s that other thing, way over there, not very tangible, but hey, its makes me feel better about not doing anything about it. How much easier is it to say “I can’t do that” and let someone else who does than to ask if they will take the time to teach you since you don’t actually know how? We feel helpless and push things aside for others to deal with. The illogical thoughts of being helpless leads us to debilitative thoughts about ourselves.

Seventh is the fallacy of catastrophic expectations. I don’t know what happened when I was little, but I deal with this one all the time. From not driving with other people in the car because I don’t want to be responsible for their death if there is an accident to not wanting to be at the top of the zip line to clip people in fear I’ll do it wrong and they will drop 30 feet to their death. I’ve only been in one accident and it was their fault, and I double check the carabineers and no one has gotten hurt, yet I always get the crazy illogical thoughts that the worst is going to happen. One of the summer staffers got called to Bruce’s office a couple weeks ago. After the meeting, another person asked if they were okay. Apparently, the idea is that if you get called to Bruce’s office, you did something wrong and are getting a talk. Not true for the meeting had to do with a camp’s schedule. As a group, we concluded illogically that anything to do with Bruce’s office was going to be catastrophic. Oh, how our silly minds work. Instead of giving in to this fallacy, we need to think about what consequences may arise and if they are that serious.

In the end, we need to think rationally through situations and not let our minds run wild with illogical thoughts. Stop and think before making judgments that will sap out our energy and make us go crazy.

For example, interning for a week of camp is stressful and hard work.  I could give in to all the fallacies, but I would just go crazy and be even more drained than what I already am at the end of the week.  I could try to be perfect, but I know not to set too high of standards since I’ll mess up and then feel awful.  I could try to get the approval of everyone, but I would rather just get respect from the Dean and those who I value rather than the person who keeps pestering me about one small non vital detail.  I could “should” on the week, and say this is the way things are supposed to happen, but I don’t.  I must treat each week of camp individually and understand that complaining wont help a thing.  Deal with it as it comes.  I could overgeneralize in the shortcomings, but then I would only focus on the negative and not look at the positive sides of the matter.  I could think I caused the frustration of a dean if things aren’t going well, but it is probably either the staff or something else they are dealing with.  I could feel helpless when they ask me to do something and tell them no, but I’d rather tell them the truth and figure it out.  I could shelter myself and stay in my comfort zone as to stay away from some catastrophic event, but in the end, it is doubtful anything bad will happen and if something does, we can deal with it. 

As summer staffers, we’ve had to work through a lot of issues that have to deal with our individual debilitating thoughts. We haven’t been able to solve every problem, but by working on our communication and by recognizing the cause of debilitating emotions, will come out of this summer alive.

July 20, 2007 Empathize vs Sympathize

July 19, 2007 Perception Checking Considerations

So, who wants to take a step back before judging the speck in someone else’s eye?  Before judging too harshly, there are four options of action that may clear the air. 

 

First, we can ask questions that aren’t too judgmental to find an understanding.  Before getting livid and misjudging someone’s intentions, why not ask for a simple clarification?  Since they have no clue how we perceived their action or behavior, tell them and try to work things out.  Jaime and I were walking towards the lake shore after a morning of water skiing.  I smiled as I thought about all the good things going on that day.  Jaime, thinking it was probably a smile out of mischievousness, looked at me and asked what it was for.  Although her tone was slightly harsh, I was glad she asked.  I explained and we walked up the wooden stairs both feeling good about the day.

 

Second, we need to make sure our nonverbal congruent with our words.  If we ask a explanatory question while our face is bright red and our fist is pounding into the other, I doubt the other person will think you have the best in mind.  Our nonverbal behavior needs to reflect the open-mindedness of our words.  Let’s not allow our nonverbal communication or tone spoil what we are trying to accomplish. 

 

Third, take into consideration cultural rules.  In the book Foreign to Familiar, the author writes about the hot-climate/high-context culture compared to cold-climate/low-context cultures.  Low context cultures appreciate clear and logical language.  High context cultures value social harmony over clarity.  Indiana is hard to decipher which applies.  It almost depends on what part of the state you are from or how close to a big city you live.  At RCC, we have main camp which is low context and jungle huts which is high context.  If I am dealing with a main camp dean, I am most likely going to give them a straight forward and logical answer.  Basically, before judging someone, take into consideration how the way they were raised and their communication style.

 

Lastly, if bringing up an issue with them, try a technique called “face saving.”  This is a safe way to raise a situation with out being abrupt or making them feel attacked- almost high context in nature.  With this approach, you ask questions in a round about way.  I was life guarding for a group of elementary age girls when I saw a group of four approaches the slide.  We prefer that they can swim since if they are short, they may not be able to reach the bottom of the pool and then freak out.  I asked all the girls if they could swim.  Three raised their hands.  Looking into the timid face of a girl surrounded by her more experienced friends, I asked one more question and then suggested keeping a noodle close by just in case she needed a little boost.  She accepted my suggestion with a smile, walked over to the pool toys and grabbed a noodle, then joined her friends in giggling as they waited for their turn.  Using this technique can help lessen fear and help them open up.

 

By taking action in a more considerate fashion, we are more likely to get positive results.  How often do we judge someone who we feel has a speck in their eye, when in actuality, we have a plank that keeps us from being able to see reality.  If we take a step back, choose the appropriate approach then confront the situation, we will be one step closer to being a competent communicator.

July 18, 2007 Perception and Judging Others

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

-Jesus Christ

 

Why is it human nature to judge everyone around us?  We easily see others fault, pointing them out to those around, showing we are better.  Even at RCC, we point out the sawdust forgetting about our own plank.  Attribution is the process of attaching meaning to a behavior, and too often we are incorrect in doing so.  Our perceptual tendencies tend to lead to attribution errors.  The five main attribution errors include judging ourselves more charitably than we do others, pay more attention to others negative characteristics, influenced by the obvious, cling to first impressions, and assume others are similar to us.

 

First, we judge ourselves more charitably than others.  The self serving bias is the tendency to interpret and explain information in a way that casts the perceiver in the most favorable manner.  We like ourselves more therefore think better of ourselves than others.  We blame other people’s problems on intrinsic reasons or personal qualities, but blame our problems on forces outside ourselves.  During a “reality check” with the other summer staff girls, we talked about napping. 

 

We all love us a nap, but is it allowed during the work day?  If we take a nap, does it label us as lazy and don’t like to work or hardworking and exhausted?  Well, since we like ourselves more than others, we would label ourselves as hardworking and exhausted.  But them!  We can’t believe they are napping when they haven’t worked enough!  And if we did something wrong or didn’t get something done, well, it was because of unclear instructions or we weren’t told about it.  But them!  They should know better.  They’ve been around longer, or have more spare time to get it done.  See how these accusations can turn us off from others?

 

Second, we pay more attention to others negative characteristics.  We may know about their fantastic ability to build a mansion, but by golly, their under water basket weaving sucks.  Who cares about the good when you have the negative to dwell on?  There are three reasons why paying attention to others negative characteristics is bad- all of which make us feel worst about ourselves, not them.  First, if we dwell on the negative of others, we get it in our mind that others only see the worst of us.  This leads to thinking we aren’t doing anything right since we aren’t getting any affirmation by others.  In the end, we have a lower self concept that is hard to deal with. 

 

At the girl’s overnighter, Jill had all of our names typed out on a sheet of paper.  We then wrote positive attributes next to each name, cut them apart, and then read out loud what we had written.  It was one of those awkward things where you don’t know where you are supposed to look or if you are supposed to smile, or keep a straight face.  We were all able to write positive attributes about each other.  At this point in the summer, we all felt useless and like giving up.  Having others speak words we had dimmed, lifted our hearts and bonded us back together.

 

Third, we are influenced by the obvious.  We focus on intense, repetitious, unusual, and attention grabbing attributes that stand out amongst the rest, forgetting the better natured parts of their character.  It would be easy for me to rattle off a list of one descriptive word then a name, but it wouldn’t be the wisest move ever.  It’s almost like the get-to-know-you game where you put an adjective next to your name beginning with the first letter. “Hey guys!  I’m Stressed Sandi!”  Although it is obvious that I’m stressed, I am also hopeful and good natured- but you’ll probably only remember the stressed part after reading this.

 

Fourth, we cling to first impressions.  We use our minds “Stressed Sandi” game to label and help us interpret others.  Even if the label is inaccurate, our mind plays the “we must make it fit our opinion” game.  Sometimes we think too highly of others and focus on one good characteristic that overshadows all the rest.  The halo effect comes in place and nothing they can do will take away our good impression of them.  More attractive people have a higher chance of others thinking they are great all around and let the small things slide away without notice.  What should we do?  Keep an open mind and be willing to change our opinion as events prove it mistaken.

 

Lastly, we assume others are similar to us.  We are closed minded to the fact that others have had very different lives than us.  Our parents may have kept us sheltered or raised us with a different moral code than others.  At camp, there is a lot of “you know the story of this and that from the Bible…” without any explanation of what happened.  Truth be told that not everyone grew up in a Christian home or knows what the story is about.  In a group of 30 to 140 people, who would have the guts to raise their hand in apprehension of being inadequate in the Christian world?  If we assume that everyone else is similar to us, we aren’t appreciating the differences that could make our relationships richer.

 

Even if we want a servant’s heart and to help those around us, we wont be able to as long as we are fixating on the speck in their life.  If we drown out our own problems by judging others, we will live a life struggling for a breath of happiness.  I challenge us to stop judging others when we have our own plank to deal with.  Read on to the perception checking considerations and think carefully about your own life.

July 16, 2007 The Why’s and How’s of Identity Management

Why?

First, to start and manage relationships.  When we first meet someone, we want to come off as strong and show our best side.  We have different presenting self’s when we meet a person of the opposite sex compared to the new person at work.  As much as we sometimes wish it didn’t happen, first impressions mold how we are perceived others.  They’ve done studies about how steadfast people hold on to negative and positive first impressions even though the person has done things to show differently.  We get an image of someone in our head and don’t let go.  By managing our identity, we are better able to know how we are perceived by others.

 

Second, to gain compliance of others.  Although slightly manipulating, it works.  If I want a group of junior high students to take me seriously, I will dress, talk, and behave in a manner that is appropriate. 

 

Third, to save others face.  We manage as to not embrace others.  We were playing a game of capture the flag and the dean asked me if I wanted to explain the rules.  Since I wasn’t quite sure what all of them were, I let him explain.  It was hilarious to watch the kids.  They had no clue what was going on or how to play.  This was the night I decided that girls just like to scream at any possible opportunity, and, well, boys like to scream like girls.  The dean and I thought about variations in how to play and different ways we could explain the rules better.  Each time after puzzled faces left to play, I laughed to myself.  I tried explaining how to format the game according to our camp grounds, but each time he would switch things around when he talked to the kids.  They ran around like junior high kids like to, and I stood by the dean like he knew what he was doing.  Oh, it was grand.

 

How to manage face to face identity?

First, by our manner.  Our words and nonverbal actions shape how we are perceived.  Each week I interned, the first few hours with the dean were crucial.  I was able to get a sense of how hands on they were and how much time I would need to spend with the group to make them feel comfortable.  I had heard that last year one of my deans was unpleased with their intern since he was never around, so I made sure to interact more with the group and to make myself more available.  Luckily, he was very pleased with my work as an intern at the end of the week.

 

Second, by our appearance.  At camp, we have name badges and mustard color shirts to wear the day campers arrive so they may know our identity as a camp staff.  We use visible personal items daily to shape our perceived identity. 

 

Third, by the setting.  These are the physical items used to influence how others view us.  RCC has very unique features that set a tone for those who come to visit.  High initiatives show an importance in challenging those who choose to take part.  During registration of the last week of camp, we could tell which girls were Jungle Hutters and which were Fine Arts Camp.  The tone for jungle huts is a more relational camp setting- live life as it comes and never faster while sweating the day away.  The Fine Arts girls lived with some flexibility, but the general feel of a main camp is time oriented and busy.  Even two locations on the same camp grounds with unique settings have different identities.