How often do communicate with others with predetermined thoughts and ideas either about them, you, or the situation? Happens all the time! Now, this can be good if these thoughts and ideas are positive or truthful, but how often do our minds turn to the negative and we start over analyzing to the point where we are frustrated, stressed out, and want to quit life? The definition of debilitation is the depletion or sapping of strength or energy. When we have debilitating emotions, we are sucking the mental strength and energy right out of our brains. We begin to have irrational thoughts that lead to a sense of failure or emptiness.
I once heard that mid July is the roughest part of working here at RCC. Things tend to break down as in people get really annoyed by others, start mentally checking out, and plainly don’t want to be here anymore. After a blow up, we then precede to work on bringing everyone back together in time to leave for school. I truly believe part of the reason why is because people accept irrational thoughts that lead to illogical conclusions, which then are turned into personal debilitating emotions and makes us crazy. The worst part is that we don’t even realize what is going on. We believe everyone around us doesn’t like us or that they are the laziest person here when it isn’t true. It is us that has let our irrational thoughts kick us in the gut.
There are seven specific fallacies, or irrational thoughts, that are the most prominent which are perfection, approval, shoulds, over generalization in shortcomings, causation, helplessness, and catastrophic expectations. We have all struggled with each one over the course of the summer- I’ve heard the stories and seen the faces.
The fallacy of perfection is the belief that an effective communicator, or good summer staffer, can handle every situation with confidence and skill. Why do people think they have to be perfect? Why can’t we admit that we don’t know something or need help to accomplish a goal? We put on this face of being the perfect person who has it all together so that others around us wont see our weaknesses. The second week of summer I was paired with a male staff and it was our job to make a door for the jungle huts. He said he knew how with all confidence, but as the hours passed and my suggestions were blown off, I could tell we weren’t getting anywhere quickly. We did manage to hang the door, but it wasn’t without much frustration.
The fallacy of perfection is also prominent in the church. We set the standard that we must be like Jesus who was indeed perfect. Yes, Jesus was man, but he also never sinned. I’m not perfect and never will be. When we set unattainable standards such as perfection for our lives, we not only drive ourselves crazy but also gain a sense of low self worth. We also put on a face that attempts to deceive others. The Pastor here in Converse preached a sermon titled “I’m not Okay, You’re not Okay, and that is Okay.” A room full of people wearing deceitful smiling faces during church while things at home may be miserable. That was the Sunday where the night before I ended things with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I was not okay. I cried at anything. The point of it all was to help people realize that we aren’t perfect and to be okay with having faults or weaknesses. It’s liberating to live a life free of standards and expectations we can never personally attain.
The second fallacy is approval where the approval of everyone is vital to our being. Oh, the people pleaser’s. Some people honestly like to help and serve others, but when it comes to the point where we sacrifice our own principles and happiness for the approval of another person, we begin to have debilitating emotions. When we are squirming in our own skin to please another, we aren’t gaining their respect or true affection. Rather, the other person is able to use us to their disposal. Striving for respect of someone we value is good, but there is no need for putting ourselves on the line. At camp, we do want the approval of others, but I don’t believe it is as extreme as it could be at other places of employment or with a different group of people. We try to honor others and accept all, so hopefully noone is sacrificing their principles and happiness while here.
Third, fallacy of shoulds is the inability to tell the difference between reality and what should be. We all struggle with this. Second year summer staff may a little more, but we all have our own preconceived ideas of how the world, or camp, should work. These statements are the “well, last year we did it this way….” or “she should not have done that…” and really doesn’t accomplish anything. “Shoulding” on the world leads to unhappy people. It creates defensive people who are tired of being nagged or hearing about how great it was last time and how awful it is now, an unsatisfied feeling of who we are and what we have done, and the complaining attitude can keep us from doing good and changing the circumstances. We can all try to live in a fantasy world, but really, we have today and we can’t base it on the past and if we want the future to look any different, we have to take it upon ourselves to change the circumstances… instead of just “shoulding” on the world.
Fourth, fallacy of over generalization in shortcomings is where we base a belief on too little or false information to come up with a conclusion. Exaggerating words such as always, never, and other absolute words make people defensive and raise their eyebrows. I once overheard a current summer staffer in her third year speaking to another girl who worked her two years ago. “This year’s crew is always so slow with cleaning! We never finish turn around until really late!” Being slightly irked by this comment, I thought about why she might say this. There was the week where four guys were assigned roofing instead of cleaning, one week they were pouring sidewalks, and the list kept going. We as summer staffers aren’t always slow! Once again, the fallacy of overgeneralization in shortcomings sucked the energy right out of someone.
Fifth, fallacy of causation is the belief that our own emotions are caused by others rather than our own self-talk or we cause someone else’s emotions. Because we don’t want to hurt others, we become overly cautious of our actions. We do things out of obligation or duty with or for another person rather than actual desire. We stay quiet so we don’t stir something up even though we know what they are doing may not be ethical. We pretend to be interested in conversations when our minds are wandering and thinking about the list of things we could be accomplishing. When asked a question, we give the answer the person wants rather than disappointing them by giving our true opinion. You know what? We aren’t the cause of their feelings! They respond to our behavior with feelings of their own. Why should we suck out our own energy by putting on a show for others so we don’t cause hurt feelings? In the same manner, it is our own reaction, not their action, that determines how we feel. We can’t blame others for how we feel and we can’t blame ourselves for how others feel.
Sixth, fallacy of helplessness is that satisfaction in life is determined by forces beyond our control. We see ourselves as victims that can’t do anything to change the situation. Granted, we most likely aren’t going to change the world for everyone, but we can change our own individual world. We too often say “I can’t” when really we should be saying “I wont” of “I don’t know how.” The “I can’t” phrase becomes a rationalization to justify not wanting to change. Once again, we blame something else to feel no responsibility or control. If something crappy happens, it’s not our fault. It’s that other thing, way over there, not very tangible, but hey, its makes me feel better about not doing anything about it. How much easier is it to say “I can’t do that” and let someone else who does than to ask if they will take the time to teach you since you don’t actually know how? We feel helpless and push things aside for others to deal with. The illogical thoughts of being helpless leads us to debilitative thoughts about ourselves.
Seventh is the fallacy of catastrophic expectations. I don’t know what happened when I was little, but I deal with this one all the time. From not driving with other people in the car because I don’t want to be responsible for their death if there is an accident to not wanting to be at the top of the zip line to clip people in fear I’ll do it wrong and they will drop 30 feet to their death. I’ve only been in one accident and it was their fault, and I double check the carabineers and no one has gotten hurt, yet I always get the crazy illogical thoughts that the worst is going to happen. One of the summer staffers got called to Bruce’s office a couple weeks ago. After the meeting, another person asked if they were okay. Apparently, the idea is that if you get called to Bruce’s office, you did something wrong and are getting a talk. Not true for the meeting had to do with a camp’s schedule. As a group, we concluded illogically that anything to do with Bruce’s office was going to be catastrophic. Oh, how our silly minds work. Instead of giving in to this fallacy, we need to think about what consequences may arise and if they are that serious.
In the end, we need to think rationally through situations and not let our minds run wild with illogical thoughts. Stop and think before making judgments that will sap out our energy and make us go crazy.
For example, interning for a week of camp is stressful and hard work. I could give in to all the fallacies, but I would just go crazy and be even more drained than what I already am at the end of the week. I could try to be perfect, but I know not to set too high of standards since I’ll mess up and then feel awful. I could try to get the approval of everyone, but I would rather just get respect from the Dean and those who I value rather than the person who keeps pestering me about one small non vital detail. I could “should” on the week, and say this is the way things are supposed to happen, but I don’t. I must treat each week of camp individually and understand that complaining wont help a thing. Deal with it as it comes. I could overgeneralize in the shortcomings, but then I would only focus on the negative and not look at the positive sides of the matter. I could think I caused the frustration of a dean if things aren’t going well, but it is probably either the staff or something else they are dealing with. I could feel helpless when they ask me to do something and tell them no, but I’d rather tell them the truth and figure it out. I could shelter myself and stay in my comfort zone as to stay away from some catastrophic event, but in the end, it is doubtful anything bad will happen and if something does, we can deal with it.
As summer staffers, we’ve had to work through a lot of issues that have to deal with our individual debilitating thoughts. We haven’t been able to solve every problem, but by working on our communication and by recognizing the cause of debilitating emotions, will come out of this summer alive.
